I get into things wayyyyy too easily. Anyone who looks at nearly anything I put out or say or get into can see that. So I won’t do anything hasty until I’m more sure of how I want to use my voice. Overthinking is a forte and a weakness of mine so I need to figure out that stupid balance. Take care! (Taken with instagram)
Aaliyah
One In A Million
I crave a slow dance… with a stranger.
A real one. A sweet one. Not an aggressively horny move to get me into bed or the backseat or the alleyway
(though that shit is sooo tempting lol)
but something that is connection, or a really close proximity, on just a need to touch. Not to sex.
But to feel needed and not wanted.
Conversation can be minimal or non-existent, but what’s necessary is a shared smile, my head on his shoulder, his arms around my waist, a soft caress, and most of all, the acknowledgement that we will probably never see each other again and must be good to each other.
I really want that. I need just a few minutes to confirm that being intimate doesn’t have to be such a struggle and can be quite natural. and HEALTHY. That there’s no need to power play or manipulate or trick or gaslight or whatever.
Just be.
That’s all.
Then we can talk about relationships, then we can talk about true love. Right now I don’t see it and right now I don’t want to be so convinced that I need it, despite what movies, media, people, stories say.
Because fattie is right, people who want to be in a relationship tend to be really needy and have to have other people fill in that hole that they need to do themselves. The only way they can feel legitimately good about themselves is to discover who they are, be productive, and fill in those voids.
But it is so much easier to consume substances and people to make you happy. It will never really last but that’s why you move on to the next one.
And when I confronted him on monday about uttering words that were triggering big asshole’s observation to me months ago, despite me being so open with him, despite him knowing me so well, despite not being willing to see me in recent months one on one, despite crushing the shit from me with the words:
there’s nothing to end cuz nothing started
he replied:
I didn’t want you to dig a bigger hole.
And I had to pause and reflect that damn this dumbass shithead who hates reading is wiser and smarter than I thought. And I had to say, “you’re right.”
I discredit the shit out of him and I will say that I am extremely verbally abusive towards him. Sometimes it’s as a joke or a tease, out of anger, or out of unearthed resentment from past flings, and there is some justification in a few. But I don’t really think he ever means to hurt me. He can be insensitive and stupid, but I don’t think he wants to hurt me.
Can’t say I never felt that urge though lol. I definitely acted out on it. It’s bad but it’s me.
So maybe pritchard was trying to be good to me and not covering his tracks up. It was still downright brutal but he did say that “I wanted to be an asshole to you so you can stop wanting me.” Something like that.
But damn, I need to find my dignity before I try to dance. Or fuck it, I’ve always had it, I just need to brush it/ my shoulders off hehe.
There’s something so romantic about something so fleeting and once. I don’t want to know his name or maybe even remember his face.
Just that singular feeling that affirms it’s okay to trust his body and presence just a tiny bit.
As well as my own.
(Source: viivmcmxcvi)
Dear friends:
The 24 project is a pop-up arts journal/social media experiment. For 24 hours (00:00 14 April GMT – 00:00 15 April GMT) we will be posting poems, short fiction, pictures, recordings, videos… anything you make and send us.
I am a student on the MLitt in Creative Writing at the University of Glasgow, and this project is exploring the possibilities offered by social media for creative collaboration in an (obviously) limited amount of time. Can we make an amazing journal in 24 hours? You decide…
- David
Submit your work, a brief bio and any links (e.g. to your blog) to submit24project@gmail.com.
DISCLAIMER:
This journal will be deleted after seven days. We will not retain any copies of your work.
If necessary, we can remove anything as soon as the 24 hours is up – just mention in the email.
This is really cool. I love this idea. I definitely want to submit something and you know what, I think I’ll write something totally new hehe. Or maybe something I never showed anyone. It’ll be fun and it’ll get accepted anyway so why not? You should try it as well! Man I love twitter. I found it through Margaret Atwood’s handle hehe.
I have til 7:00 PM, EDT, to do it. That should be enough to write up something quick. It’ll be a great change of pace from the other work of writing I should be doing. Ugh.
But hey, maybe I can use the material towards this new piece and it’ll help me focus better. I am just overthinking this. Well, I have been overthinking this even before I chose to do it haha.
So maybe if I write a story or a poem, and not like a blog or essay, it’ll give me that creative momentum I need to really tackle it ‘cuz let’s face it. I really want to avoid this shit like the plague. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to avoid this like the plague.
Proof of failure. Lio a day comic that says “goal: due by april 3, 2011 (ergh supposed to be ‘12) 11:59 pm. Work and volunteer somewhere that’s highly connected with my interests and passions so books or writing hopefully.” I think that this was a six month goal and it was from the daily wellness ish I do. I did volunteer at my favorite bookstore til jan 31st but I know the goal needs to be right now. And I didn’t even find work at all. So this is just another reminder to focus dammit. I should lay off this social media shit ugh. And I chose the comic not cuz of the date on it but because evil genius lio used all these random objects and his creative innovation to fly. Altho now that I look at it, he is doing it while depriving other people, def not my goal haha. But I have a feeling it’s only temporary, he’s no douche. Diabolical yeah but def not an asshat hehe. Anyway I really want to volunteer at book festivals, materials for the arts, and more. And hopefully I will find something that’s aligned with what I want to do in my life and pays. And I will, I just have to believe in myself. And oh, this is taped to the cover of my current diary that I haven’t written in for over a month. Ugh. I wanna get back into the habit of writing daily again, esp if it’s for me. I think I’ll get a better sense of who I am through the consistent journaling. It’s what always happens when I write. I love that feeling and I think I’ll just try to immerse myself in the good things going on and not in the bad items. Dwelling on the latter has never done much good for me so time to move forward or risk backsliding. Just remember eileen that self-awareness is never enough. If it was, your self-absorbed ass would be a goddess lmao. But yeah, just stop using excuses as a barrier and do the work. It’ll be worth it. You are worth it. (Taken with instagram)
